The Church I attend:
Thessalon Bible Chapel
11 Huron West
Thessalon, ON P0R 1L0
Phone: (705) 842-1888
Brick Walls (A Reply to an Email from an Online Group Member)
I can fully appreciate what you are saying. I have in the past built up a huge brick wall around myself so that I will not get hurt. But the sad thing of that is that you in the long run only hurt yourself. It becomes a very lonely world out there by yourself. Yes there are many who will turn their backs on you. Well, frankly, if they do, they likely were not real friends after all. You need to tear down that brick wall and let people back close to yourself. There will always be those who will hurt us, but there is also them who will stand by you no matter what. Jesus for certain will never leave nor forsake you. And neither will I, not others in this group.
Also, as hard as it can be, you also need to learn the art of forgiving. (...) If you cannot forgive them whom have hurt you, Jesus said neither will God. Look what Christ endured for us by way of the cross. Yet He still forgave.
I suggest you begin new seeking guys to be friends with in the Christian community. Easier said than done perhaps, but as when you first started to walk, you fell, but kept trying.
Here is a huge hug for you.
Now and again a spark from some unknown or known source starts a fire, and something within that fire causes energy and movement to move one to tell a story. Tonight I watched an old movie which was somewhat of a spark, that lit a fire within me to share just a bit more of my past, which leads me to believe that, the past shaped my present life. The past shaped my likes, my dislikes, my morals, my loves, my friends, how I walk, how I carry myself. The past shaped my moods. These moods include anger, caring, gentleness, sadness, laughter etc. Okay, some of these things are not listed in a psychologists book as being moods. Yes to me they are moods, for they paint colourful images of my emotions. After all, are not our emotions a shadow of our moods?
Tonight while watching this movie, I was reminded of past events which shaped my moods, my emotions. Like many, the negative emotions raised by events of the past are suppressed. They are suppressed because these kinds of things are measured in pain which we wish to forget.
I recalled tonight how when I was maybe a young boy of around 4 or so when my mother in anger was literally jumping up and down on me with as much power as she could to kill me. This included being literally thrown across the room into the wall. And then, more being danced upon like a straw puppet, with no care that I should live. Perhaps I should have died to spare me the pain that I feel in the future.
Another pain reborn from my past memory was hearing many times how I would never amount to anything., I was continually told how stupid I was, how useless I was. My older brothers treated me like a Cinderella. I was no good. I was like the lowest of the cast of the East Indian dung hill. I heard many times over and over again; You dont rate. Meaning, I was not worthy to be treated with anything better than a worm. I did not deserve the scraps from the table. Though we did not own a dog, I was always felt to be made lower than a dog.
Yes, these are all lies born of the serpent, our enemy, the devil. Yet, when one hears a lie over and over and over and over again so many times, the lie becomes a reality. That reality was born into my mind that I am stupid, useless, not worthy of the scraps from the table.
I have anger problems for obvious good reasons as you see from above. I wonder that my anger never gravitated towards beating up on others, or shooting or anything that would greatly hurt others, especially members of my own family. Did God hold me back? Perhaps!
I suppose I can see how I always was drawn towards the underdog, to saddle up beside them and be there to stand up for them.
Even girls in my younger days shunned me, so that it also imposed upon me a desire to deflect them away from me as a disease, something not wanted, because it caused so much pain.
I spoke of anger earlier. I rarely get angry with others. But I get very angry at myself often, even still to this day. This anger erupts into a violent anger. Why ? I believe it all boils down to my early years as a child being told I was no good, useless etc. I was a failure. So today when I do things with my hands and it is not working out right, I explode in anger I suppose because I see myself as useless, no good and will not amount to anything. I try hard to do my best, yet when I fail, my best is a failure due to be cast down into the dung hill. And thus my anger is routed back to my childhood where I am being told I am no good and I see my mother trying to kill me.
So, why should I bother to share this? When we share our past hurts and see how God can work in our lives to correct the wrongs of the past, it helps others to see Hey, I am not alone. Others have gone through what I have, am going through. And yet see how God is watching over and changing that ones life.
He does not do it just because of my past hurts, but because He loves us so much that He sent His one and only Son, Jesus to die on the cross to take the penalty for our sins and to give us eternal life. John 3:16 paraphrased. He does it, because He also suffered much as we have and worse and He knows our pains. He loves us more than we can imagine.
We have a promise which we can believe and hold to. One day soon, Jesus is coming and He will take us home to be with Him and live eternally in a perfect environment where there will be no more suffering and pain, no more sorrows, where every tear will be dried, where upside down smiles will be turned to right side up smiles. We shall walk on streets of gold and we will hunger no more for a perfect home family.
Though we suffer for a little while, we shall suffer no more. Look forward and ahead and up, for our redemption is near.
God bless and smile upon your brothers today.